Canary Bird rose, a favourite of mine. I've had notelet from someone with this rose on and this memory came flooding back to me.
Where ever I've lived I've gardened. When I was first married I didn't really know a lot about gardening, neither did my first husband. We had a square front garden, with a lawn and flower beds around. My Aunty gave me some money and I bought bedding plants, and I can remember I was so proud of it.. however when my husband came home, he wasn't impressed and wanted to know how I had paid for them.
When we moved to Billericay, I had a bit more experience and gardened with a vengeance, but no spare money. Every birthday money I was given, I saved for seeds and if anyone I knew was splitting clumps of plants I happily accepted anything. I had all my family saving washing powder box lids, because you could get flower bulbs when you sent away 6 lids! I was determined to have a garden to be proud of, and it was lovely!
Things were a bit rocky between my husband and myself, he worked away a lot and when he came home it was difficult being together.. but one day he said he wanted to be more of an 'at home husband.' He said he wanted to be more involved in our family.
I thought that was a good idea, because his going away with work meant he was very 'remote' with our children.
On Saturdays, I walked the mile into town and took the children to the library. I didn't drive but I had a big twin pushchair and they all squashed in! On that day I remember it well, the sun was shining, we stopped in the park on the way home, so the children could play on the swings etc..
When we got back to the house, I couldn't believe my eyes. He'd been out and hired a rotovator and dug up the back garden, lawn flower beds, even my yellow rose, a present, everything! I cried and cried and wouldn't speak to him. He had decided he would grow vegetables! I couldn't speak I was so upset. I fed the children and went out to the one neighbour Denise I knew, for the evening.
That Sunday, I did not cook a Sunday dinner. Monday I phoned my school friend, Terri, in Kent. I phoned a friend and her daughter came to baby sit and be with the children after school till 6 pm, when he used to get home from work. I had enough money for the train fare and went to Terri's. I'd left him a note.. I stayed away 3 days and only went back because of my children.
The veg gardening didn't last long, one year, then he grassed it all over and we moved. My lovely neighbour told me about the satellite college of London University, opening in Brentwood, I applied and got place. It was just 4 miles from our town. I did the three year degree course and was qualified as a B.Ed, a teacher! I had a job to support myself. I don't know how I lasted with him another 7 years and play the little at home wife. But if he was alive today I'd have the guts to call him all the names under the sun; he was a controlling bully. I look back and wonder how on earth I stayed with him for all those 23 years, before walking out that day and leaving.
So Dh, my Darling husband is the best thing ever to happen to me, he is amazing... God was looking out for me!
Chrisxx
28 comments:
I have never married and find my days lonely now I’m retired but I will try and remember this story. Not all partners are soul mates?!
It sounds as if he was the most insensitive man, not to mention a control freak. At least you eventually had the courage to do something about it and take the right path towards your new life. I think you were very brave. It’s not easy to do this when you have children to consider; I was in a similar situation and found it quite difficult at times to hold it all together and soldier on! Luckily, I was already a qualified teacher and found supply work, which then led to a full time job. I’m glad that you’ve found happiness! Have a lovely weekend 😁
The more older women speak about their experiences with controlling husbands/partners, the more younger women will realise that it isn't right to live like that. Reading about the courage you had in forging a new life for yourself may well have given someone the courage to change her life today. x
This is so sad. How cruel to destroy something that you loved so much. Xx
I believe you. xxx
I do believe it. There are men today who behave in the same bullying, controlling, coercive way and they cause enormous damage, mentally, emotionally, financially.
I'm sorry you went through years of that, and am thankful you have a good man now.
Such were the times! Women were the dutiful wives. You had courage and ability to acquire the education you needed to support yourself and the children. Well done!
Dh was put on this earth to give you love and peace for the rest of your lives. It is terrible that someone would just till under every plant already in place!
There will, unfortunately, always be men who act like this, but you were brave and took the steps to make a new life for yourself. I've been very lucky, married at 20 to my fabulous OH, we share everything and although DIY isn't his thing he will find a way to make it happen. We love the same things, our family, gardening and books. Just celebrated 50 years. Hugs Xx
You're right Margaret
Thank God for that college.
It wasn't easy but I did it and the college hours fitted in with my children.
When I eventually left, that garden helped my decision
Thank you.
I was too naïve to recognise his mean ways
Me too Mari.
Thats how I was brought up, men were always right!
Thank God.
He sounds a really nice man. what a blessing for you.
Unfortunately too many women were locked into unhappy marriages with no way out until recent times. But you found a way out and was rewarded with a good man to share your life with. You are one of the lucky ones.
It wasn't easy.
I'm glad you were able to eventually leave your first husband and found the gem you have now.
How often we hear similar stories...so sad. Except that garden! That was absolutely cruel. You were wise to find a way out of that marriage. Hugs, Chris.
So do I!
I look back and wonder how I put up with it all.
Thank you for the peek into your past.
I can well believe it, Chris. What a horribly, nasty, bullying thing to do. To destroy your gorgeous and beloved garden. You were very wise to get out before it was too late and you were destroyed. Much love to you. xx
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