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Yesterday was a day of rain and wind, but we still managed a blow by the sea. Some days I need to blow the cobwebs away out of my mind and yesterday was one of those days.
I had been brooding about those people, who always seem to take advantage of situations and I feel down trodden. Well one in particular.
In fact all my life I've felt second best. My childhood was carefree, but living without a mother I always felt I was missing something.
For the first 9 years of my life my cousin and her parents lived with us. There was only 6 weeks in age between us but, she was always just that little bit bigger than me, she developed breasts' when I still had 'fried eggs!' I loved her mum and I did spend a lot of time with them. When we did go to the beach with an adult it was with her mum, because she didn't work. So I have lovely memories of those afternoons, but she wasn't my mum.
Then they moved to Wolverhampton, because her father got a job there. So I had summer holidays there. I was put on a train in care of the guard and travelled by myself, met the other end by my aunt. Can you imagine that happening today? I spent many happy summers there with them.
I didn't know the background of our living arrangements back then. I mean I didn't know who owned the house in Porthcawl. So it came as an enormous surprise to learn that the Aunt who actually looked after me, who paid for me to go to that private school was the owner. It was she who encouraged me to work hard at school and get my qualifications. And one thing I had more than my cousin was, I got my school cert in 10 subjects, including my Aunt used to say very proudly French with Oral. My cousin got one subject and that was needlework!
But didn't I feel I had something more than her, not really she had a mother and I didn't. When my Aunt who brought me up died, the house became mine, it was a shock, she had never told me. And it caused a huge rift and the Wolverhampton crowd, as they had become to be known, decided not to speak to me. That was 1990.. but a few years ago my cousin got in touch with me and we exchanged cards etc. She came and stayed with us in my little house in Billericay and the Suffolk house. We were invited to stay with her in her 'barn conversion' rather posh, but out in the wilds. She has posh friends who all live in very big houses and own horses; my cousin had one too, for years. But now it seems I have more than she can ever have. Very sadly, her youngest daughter died age 30 with meningitis, she and her husband split after that and although she 'appears' to have money, her life is very changed. I still don't like her, something I realised a few years ago. She thinks my husband is very down trodden by me as he cooks when she has visited us and I appear to do nothing. I don't care I don't feel I need to explain things to her.
Why am I brooding about all this now? She wants to come and visit and each time she has asked I've said no, with the reason we had builders here or something going on. Now she has asked again, and I've said no, why does she want to play happy families now when she didn't speak to me for over 20 years? Dh says we should, she's lonely and we have each other and it would be the Christian thing to do.
I'm thinking about it, but really I want to say no. Dh says it will only be for a few days but I know it will be like an open door..
I'll think some more!
What do you think?
Chrisxx
14 comments:
Stick to your guns, why entertain someone you don't like . Life is too short.
Say no and mean it, with a bit of luck she will take the hint.
Tisha x
You've described the situation very well, but even so we don't know all the details. But all I can say is if it were me, at my age and with my experience, I would think it's time to be honest and just tell her 'I don't want you to come to my house, I wish you well but we have never really been friends although we are related. This is the end of our road'. This will either end the discourse immediately or it will make her answer you back with some honesty and perhaps give you both a second chance to form a more mature and open relationship.
After years and years of falling out my Mum and her sister finally went their separate ways when my aunt ended their relationship. Although my Mum was hurt at first, I could see the value in not having the constant monthly arguments and actually thought it was a very brave thing for my aunt to do.
If you feel you really must invite her, then make it a short visit.
Personally, I'd stick to my guns. She makes you unhappy and always has done, so she's no help to you. Explain that having company is stressful and tiring. Maybe suggest delaying a visit until you feel better able to cope with visitors (though that time may never come!!)
It may not be the Christian attitude, but frankly, your health - mental, emotional, physical - should come first.
I so agree with the other comments. Lately I've found myself to be struggling in certain situations because of the what is the right thing to do question. But, although most of us ,whatever our beliefs, tend to put others needs first ,there are certain times in life where we must prioritise ourselves . It's your life and home - your choice.
Alison in Wales x
Thanks for commenting on my blog. We have many similar interests, I see.
I'm thinking of an answer for you...
It really sounds as if her life has been sad. Just shows that sometimes the ones we think have it all, really don't.
I've often felt that most of the people living in the big fancy houses aren't really so happy. I think they are always looking for more.
I would let her come, but that's just me. I hate conflict and always want to make things better. It sounds like that really isn't going to happen, so you need to be true to yourself.
Thanks for visiting my blog and leaving a comment.
First time visiting here and you might not like my opinion about the visit. :)
I would say yes, and when she arrived tell her how you feel. She may want to ask you for forgiveness and have a new start. I think if you forgive her your own attitude toward her just might change as well. :) Who knows you may even become friends. Stranger things have happened!
Thank you for visiting my blog - it’s good to meet you! These decisions are hard, especially as we get older. But I find that as I do get older, more and more I’m not going to do something if I don’t want to - just because it’s expected. We have to do what feels right for us and for our family and not apologize for it. I like how Sue worded it above – It’s polite, but firm.
My husband has a cousin who was nasty to me years ago and I find it hard to put it aside. I doubt she even remembers what she said. I do treat her well but I never look for opportunities to be around her or invite her to our home. If she is in the area and comes by, I treat her well. I would never seek her company though. Good luck with your decision.
Could you literally meet halfway? Find somewhere neutral like a town or city or gardens halfway between where you live, have lunch, and leave at the end of the afternoon? I don't know who said what or when, but in my experience funerals and other emotional family gatherings can sometimes bring out the very worst in people and awful can be said and done and regretted many years later.
Several days spent together in one or other house can definitely strain even the best of relationships!
She's after a free holiday that's all, and you live in a lovely area so she thinks she'll bag herself a freebie.
If there was any love or care between the two of you, then you would feel differently about having her stay and her reasons for wanting to come would be genuine.
Don't be used by someone, you don't love, and who doesn't love you - go with your true feelings, tell her it's not convenient and then forget it. Life's too short, cheer up and move on - you're too nice a lady to be upset
Anne Shropshire
A very tricky one for you. I think Kirsten's advice is good. Arrange to meet her somewhere neutral and see how it goes. It seems very odd to invite herself - usually one waits to be invited.
She may be lonely, but a visit like this isn't going to help that, especially given her attitude towards you. I would be suspicious.
If you want to say no, then say no - personally, I think your instinct is right.
xx
Thanks for stopping by my blog today. I agree with Kirsten that the best course of action would be to meet for a meal or coffee at a place other than at your house. Bring DH with you if he's willing.
Your cousin may be wanting to bury the hatchet and make amends, but you won't know if you don't talk with her.
I'm catching up on your posts no that I can see your blog again. I wonder what decision you made about your cousin?
My instinct would be to let her come for a few days and tell her how you feel, she is family after all, but on the other hand it might be better to say no and tell her why, that option might make you feel better.
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