Yesterday was a day of rain and wind, but we still managed a blow by the sea. Some days I need to blow the cobwebs away out of my mind and yesterday was one of those days.
I had been brooding about those people, who always seem to take advantage of situations and I feel down trodden. Well one in particular.
In fact all my life I've felt second best. My childhood was carefree, but living without a mother I always felt I was missing something.
For the first 9 years of my life my cousin and her parents lived with us. There was only 6 weeks in age between us but, she was always just that little bit bigger than me, she developed breasts' when I still had 'fried eggs!' I loved her mum and I did spend a lot of time with them. When we did go to the beach with an adult it was with her mum, because she didn't work. So I have lovely memories of those afternoons, but she wasn't my mum.
Then they moved to Wolverhampton, because her father got a job there. So I had summer holidays there. I was put on a train in care of the guard and travelled by myself, met the other end by my aunt. Can you imagine that happening today? I spent many happy summers there with them.
I didn't know the background of our living arrangements back then. I mean I didn't know who owned the house in Porthcawl. So it came as an enormous surprise to learn that the Aunt who actually looked after me, who paid for me to go to that private school was the owner. It was she who encouraged me to work hard at school and get my qualifications. And one thing I had more than my cousin was, I got my school cert in 10 subjects, including my Aunt used to say very proudly French with Oral. My cousin got one subject and that was needlework!
But didn't I feel I had something more than her, not really she had a mother and I didn't. When my Aunt who brought me up died, the house became mine, it was a shock, she had never told me. And it caused a huge rift and the Wolverhampton crowd, as they had become to be known, decided not to speak to me. That was 1990.. but a few years ago my cousin got in touch with me and we exchanged cards etc. She came and stayed with us in my little house in Billericay and the Suffolk house. We were invited to stay with her in her 'barn conversion' rather posh, but out in the wilds. She has posh friends who all live in very big houses and own horses; my cousin had one too, for years. But now it seems I have more than she can ever have. Very sadly, her youngest daughter died age 30 with meningitis, she and her husband split after that and although she 'appears' to have money, her life is very changed. I still don't like her, something I realised a few years ago. She thinks my husband is very down trodden by me as he cooks when she has visited us and I appear to do nothing. I don't care I don't feel I need to explain things to her.
Why am I brooding about all this now? She wants to come and visit and each time she has asked I've said no, with the reason we had builders here or something going on. Now she has asked again, and I've said no, why does she want to play happy families now when she didn't speak to me for over 20 years? Dh says we should, she's lonely and we have each other and it would be the Christian thing to do.
I'm thinking about it, but really I want to say no. Dh says it will only be for a few days but I know it will be like an open door..
I'll think some more!
What do you think?
Chrisxx